When He asks 100% of what I have am I willing to give it to Him? My immediate response is yes, perhaps solely because I know that is what I should say. What God wants of me and asks of me is very simple. Worship, praise, recognize, sacrifice and discipline. Simple not in doing but simple in knowing. I know that God deserves every ounce of being that I have, every ounce of energy should be devoted to Him. The Apostle Paul is my favorite example of a complete existence devoted to God. How so very far away I am from that. I ask God to use me. I trust that God has a plan for my life. I know this plan is to serve Him using my talents and treasures. The difficult part comes in when what God wants from me is not the same as what I want for myself. Human selfishness and laziness is totally at work here. I don’t want to inconvenience myself too much and I don’t want to move too much outside of my comfort zone to do the works of God. Whether financial, time, knowledge or resources there is always some constraint, some reason why I am not doing for God what I should. Is it the comfort that I have of knowing God has already redeemed me and has given me eternal salvation? Perhaps. Is it fear that if I do put myself out there I will fail? Perhaps. Is it lack of faith in trusting God to pull me through no matter what happens? Perhaps. Foolish, foolish me! God has NEVER abandoned him who glorifies Him with all his heart mind and soul. Why would God abandon me? Am I not just as worthy of God’s intervention as Joshua was when fighting the Canaanites? Or the Israelites when they were being led through the dessert to the Promised Land? God does not abandon His people. He leaves us to our own devices for a while in an effort to awaken us to our selfish behavior and help us realize how much we need to rely on Him and what He is truly capable of. He will not lead us to a mountain and then tell us “Hey, you go ahead and climb over this yourself and I will see you on the other side.”. This is not how God works. We stand there, side by side with God and He lifts us up over every stone, every ridge and every peak. He may allow us to stumble and slide down a few feet if we start to get a little too cocky and think we can climb alone but He grabs us before we make it too far down and pulls us back up. And when we finally make it to the top of that mountain, minutes/hours/days or even years later, you better stand up there and shout “Hallelujah, Thanks Be To God!”
If God wants me down on the ground crying, screaming and completely defeated I will do it. I want to be completely weak and I want to rely 100% on God. I want to know that every journey in the Bible, every account of God answering prayers is true. I don’t at all question God’s abilities and power I just question their presence in my life. This is one of the many areas where I sin and my Christian walk is not as strong as my Christian talk. I have no issue or hesitation professing God’s power to anybody who will listen. I know He did great things with Noah, Moses, Abraham, Joshua, Paul etc. I know He flooded the earth, set shields on fire, defeated an army of thousands with an army of hundreds. I know He fed thousands with a handful of food. I know He made me, my kids, my husband and knew us before we were even conceived. I know His countless blessings, His unlimited miracles and His powerful interventions. I have seen them in my own life but I am always questioning whether God will intervene again. Are my prayers to Him trivial and selfish and thus unworthy of His acknowledgment? Sometimes I know they are. I feel also that I am praying for something to happen that is contradictory of God’s plan for me and then I feel bad because I am telling Him what I want done rather than listening to what He has planned for me. That is part of the problem though, because I don’t know what He has planned for me. I want to know, I beg and pray to know what I should be doing and what I should be aiming for but I am given no answer that I can see. Which again leads me to question God’s role in my life. Is He giving me time to figure it out myself or is He sending me signs that I am too blind to acknowledge. I know just by the fact that my husband and I are employed, my boys are healthy and happy and that we have a great church and family support system that God is at work in my life. For this alone I should be happy and content. But I am not and I seek more answers and more information. Do I need to give more in order to receive more? Maybe that is it and maybe that is where I am lacking.
I struggle daily with not having the faith I want to have and need to have. I feel as though I let down God by just believing in Him and not believing Him. I focus more on my ability to provide for my family, keeping them safe and healthy and not on God’s ability and his obvious successful track record. If God told me to sacrifice my son, would I do it? Probably not, but why? Do I believe that God knows what He is doing? I know this is an extreme example but I can’t even sacrifice small, insignificant things without wondering how it will affect me. God doesn’t ask for what he can’t replace!!! Am I going to participate in a bible study? No, because I can’t sacrifice my time. Am I going to fully tithe? No, because I can’t sacrifice the money. Am I going to talk to this unbeliever about the glory of God? No, because I can’t sacrifice my reputation. Get over myself. This is not giving 100% to God. God will not ask these things of me because He is going to leave me floundering around with no time, no money and everyone hating me. God replenishes us over and over and over again with everything we need so why do I doubt Him? Why do I doubt He will provide for my every need. I sin, I withhold, I question and I doubt yet I am still redeemed. How awesome is He? How short of perfection I fall and He does not abandon me. I am not to that 100% yet but there is no reason why I can’t get there. Little by little I will give over to God all He deserves, asks and requires of me. I will continue to pray for His guidance in my life. I will pray for my prayers to be answered and I will pray for Him to use me even if He has to break me down and build me back up. I will climb that mountain with Him by my side and I will sing glorious praises to His name when we finally reach the top. All things are possible through Christ because God can do what He says He can do.
